Not letting go of us was the best

waking up every day without you next me, sucks

seeing you once a month, it’s amazing and worth it

hugging things that smell like you instead of you, sucks

the good morning texts and goodnight phone calls, make it worth it

not having you here to run too, sucks

that moment where we see each other after a long time and it feels like the first time, makes it worth it

having to talk to you through a phone, sucks

the moments in the car when we’re singing and dancing make it worth it

that last moment with that last kiss, sucks

the moment when I can finally lay in your arms and feel perfect, makes it worth it

that fact that I’m 5 hours away, sucks

the fact that we’re 5 months in, makes it worth it

I start to cry and think about how hard this is.

How I didn’t expect this, I didn’t plan for it.

I didn’t expect to miss you this much.

I can only imagine what you’re going through.

I know it has to be just as tough for you as it is for me.

Not being able to get in my car drive to your house is something that kills me.

I close my eyes and think about the amazing summer we had. Oh how I wish the summer was longer, how I wish I wasn’t six hours away how I wish I didn’t have to miss you and how I wish you didn’t have to miss me, I wish I was lying in your arms just listening to you breathe. Not a moment has passed where I haven’t thought about you.

Not a moment where I didn’t miss you and not a second that I didn’t crave your kiss.

I wish this wasn’t so hard I wish it was easy I wish I could see you everyday like before.

I wish a lot of things but I’ve always believed that if you wanted something to happen you had to make it happen. This is why I’m pushing you to come out here because I know we can do this and I know if we both push hard enough it WILL happen. I have no doubt in that. And I can’t wait to see you, kiss you and feel your arms around me again.

why did they have to come back

i was fine with them not being here

i haven’t seen them in a while

and i was okay with that

the last time we talked i thought i was done with them

until now

i can’t control when i see them again

but i wish they would just stop showing up

they are beyond unwelcome

they never come when i want them do

and barely do they leave when they do show up

i wish they would just stop it

life is hard enough without them in it

I’m trying to be strong and they make me weak

i don’t need them right now

just when everything gets good they have to come and ruin it

but what they don’t know is that I’ve found away to get rid of them

as soon as they stick their little nose into my business i stop them

i stop them with something they have no chance winning against

something nothing can beat, the embrace from a friend

The words hit her faster than any drug she had ever taken. How had her life come down to this one moment, when did she lose all control? Her face still stings from where his hand was a few moments ago. What wrong turn did she take to lead her here? Her soul is to dry to cry, she gave that up years ago. She sits on the cold radiator and watches him slowly destroy her. His words fly across the room like daggers, hitting her at her core. There is nothing she can say in her defense, no way to change this, nothing can make this better. She sits and keeps her thoughts and emotions to herself and lets him break her world. His shouting gets louder and more vicious. With all of her limited strength she snuck her car keys into her hand, as he continued his fit. When his ammo ran out and he had to turn away to refuel, she ran straight out the door to the car. She belts herself in the seat that’s keeping her safe, in the rearview mirror she sees him coming. He’s walking toward the car faster than he has ever traveled. She grips the gear shift, throws it into reverse. She floors it while pulling out of the parking spot. His feet barely move fast enough to save his life, he stubbles over his own two feet and trips. As soon as his head is out of view she shifts the car into drive and speed away. The closest highway was the one she takes daily, she joins the various amount of cars and drives. She passes exit after exit, the numbers go from 50 to 20, and she knows there’s no turning back now.

She drove for miles with no destination, when the last tear had fallen from her face she pulled over to the nearest gas station. Not sure of what her reasoning was but she started scrolling through her contacts list. The first couple glances showed no hope; finally she saw the name Piper.

“friends are like fire, they burn away her pride”

“cancer whispers to her”

“in one ear but not out the other”

“control of the essence of her very soul……kiss from her…”

“controlling never consoling”

“not inside a bottle”

“the world”

“I have no freaking idea what dating in American is like”

“bounced bikes around cracked sidewalks”

“soul is heavier than my body”

“faces of books”

“girls in swirls of anger”

“don’t get caught dead on the wrong end of an extended metaphor”

“what you don’t need to believe”

“thousands answered with no questions”

“Nature is Lazy”

“Without thumbs”

“I have one left”-”That’s mine”-”Oh”

“D-A-N-C-E, that’s how you spell it right?”

“and I will try to fix you”

“I like when people say hello to each other”

“I stalked the hell out of them”

“Aww that makes it more cute”

“steal the mouse”

“see i traded”

“Tino sounds like a puppy”

“girls are there for us so i take advantage”

“we had a fight over pizza rolls”

“to make a short story long”

My pictures, the few I have of you are everywhere I can put them.

Memories that will slowly fade with time.

Shopping in the pouring rain for nothing we need.

I need you.

You’re living your life and so am I.

i miss you and our song.

The one we sing to in the car as you dance.

you always had somehtin to dance about.

Making me feel like a celeburty with your random fashion/photo shoots.

Saying goodbye wasn’t easy.

Missing you is permanent.

Miss. Happy. Dream.

The herd in front of me walks and stops constantly until one or more of them leave.

There are reminders of the winter formal that was canceled everywhere you look.

I walk in the door and see the same girl who always has the same attitude.

I sit and do what I’m told until the crowded herd sucks me back in.

Walking to get food, slams, laughs, yells all rolled into one.

I get my food lucky that I survived and find my salvation of people waiting for me.

The one boy who is always smiling and the girls who are never seen apart.

Then I see you.

I would tell you that you look cute today but you know that.

You look at me as if I’m an ant and you’re a gaint.

But through all of your stereotypes and passing judgements.

You don’t realize we’re equal.

i am sure that..
it could happen
it can be okay
it would be nice
it would be ok
he’s worth it
at least i hope

i’m sure that i’m not sure what’s going on.

What has my life come to? Is this what my life has come to now that he’s out of it? I’ve been holding my cell phone in my hand since he threw it at me, debating rather or not I should call someone or him. My fingers have come one touch away from him, as always, I can’t do it. I won’t. The moment plays over and over again in my head and so does the questions the ones that I’d be stupid to ask right now. I’m not stable enough to do anything not even walk. I feel my knees give out and I feel them hit the cold sand. I look in front of me and I see the rock where he kissed me for the first time. I close my eyes and lay on my back. I open them to see the moon, the one sure thing that has always been there for me.  The one thing that has connected us no matter what.

My phone rings, it’s a text from Warren. Asking how tonight went. I don’t have the strength to tell him how it went or how I feel. I send a quick text to Gabe telling him where to pick me up and to not reply, and then I launched my phone into the ocean and laid there until I couldn’t feel the tears or him anymore.

Time passes, enough for Gabe to find me and think I’m dead. I open my eyes to see a look on his face, one of fear and caution, one I have never seen before. Then I realize that my skin is turning blue and I’m drenched to the bone. I freak out but can’t move which only cause us both to freak out more which is when I discover I have no voice in a failed attempt to scream. Gabe takes of his jacket raps me up and carries me bridal style to the car while he calmly talks me out of my panic enough for me to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the leather seat of the car.

A day later I open my eyes to find that I’m in Gabe and Rion’s room, wearing closes from Gabe that are about three sizes too big, considering Gabe is six foot five and works out every day, I knew they were his. I look over at the time and see that it’s midnight. I look around the room to see Gabe sitting in the chair in the corner watching my every move, making sure I’m still alive. I see the hope come into his eyes and he rushes to my side. He tells me that Rion has made sure my heath is ok and that they forced medication on me at some point. Then he sends Rion up with some food and they watch as I eat. The two of them care so much it scares me. They don’t even know what happen, why I was passed out on the beach or how I even got to the beach. They care enough to pick me up from the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. Not know what I had done or why I’m there.

I can’t even imagine telling them, they probably won’t forgive me for what I did I don’t even know why I did it or why I let it keep going for this long. Warren was exposed to be a onetime thing that turned into a six month affair that didn’t even have an emotional connection until he found another woman to replace me.

The night with bob made everything real, how could I defend myself when everything he said I agreed with? I don’t know why I cheated on him or why I even considered looking at someone other than him for a relationship when we’ve been together for 13 years solid and he’s been nothing but faithful to me. Questions make my mind buckle in on its self and before I can finish eating I attempt to run into the bathroom but fall on the floor on my way there. Both of them cater to me but I yell for them to leave and start crying tears of failure and embarrassment not knowing how I’m going to explain this one but I’m sure that they are more worried about me then they were before.

I curl up on the floor and cry for an hour straight fighting the thoughts in my head. My phone lights up and stops me from crying its Liz; she wants to know what’s going on and why I haven’t talked to her in a couple days. I realize that it can’t be my phone because I threw mine in the ocean so I ignore it and breathe until I start crying again. I hear nothing but the sound of rain hitting the outside of the window and the sound of Gabe and Rion talking downstairs can’t make out any words but I can tell that they are upset.

I yell for Gabe and they both come rushing into the room. They help me back on to the bed and try to calm me down, it doesn’t work so I’m forced to tell them the whole story it kills me but I know I have to tell them otherwise I’ll never be okay. I explain how and why I meet him and why I decided to keep it going I tell them everything and they both give me looks of shock. I bury myself further under the covers and wait for them to attack me. They both say ok and leave for about ten minutes and come back in with fake smiles and assisting hands to the shower I clean up and meet them downstairs to go shopping. They agreed that I going back to the house wasn’t a good idea so they took me to the local store to get a new outfit.

As the day went on they looked at me with more and more disgust. Why did I do this? How could I expect them to feel sorry for me? But if they understood why I did it, why I couldn’t be with Todd. But they are used to the good Todd they don’t see him at home. With me, at night, when he comes home at eleven o’clock. How most of the things in our house have been broken, how I have bruises all over me body. If they knew would they understand, would they care?

I know why I did it; I think it was just, now that I’ve had time to think it through. It made not have been the best way to deal with it but it was the only way I could think of. When I look in the mirror I see the black eye, the one that Gabe thinks is just my make-up running due to my tears. If only he knew that it’s real like the lies I had to tell in order to go to sleep at night next to him. The ones I told myself, that he’s just drunk, that he loves me; I started to sound like him. I justified what he did, how anyone could do that is unthinkable. What I had told Gabe was a lie, partly. I didn’t tell him why anything happen I just told him what happen. So I made myself at home in their guest room and they left me to think things over. Not a good thing to leave me with my thoughts. I spent four hours thinking about everything, playing through every possibility in my head, every reason, every need, and what I wanted. I think myself to sleep and wake up the next morning with my thoughts back together enough to sit down with Gabe, Rion and Liz and explain everything.

I explain everything from the beginning, I tell them how Todd would come home drunk and beat me for no reason other than the fact that I said hi to him. How he would throw me against the wall and throw me into rooms of the house, trapping me. How it got worse and worse as the marriage went on. Then how I met Warren two years ago at function at work. The moment when he noticed that I had bruises that I was trying to hide, the night were we stayed up in the hotel lobby until three in the morning and he let me tell him everything. That night started the relationship that we now have. The feelings and how much he cares. He’s helped me realize what happen and how to fix it. How last night I had finally worked up enough courage to finally change something, last night was going to be the last time he touched me at all.

When I showed up at the house I was greeted with a nice candlelit dinner but no Todd. Then I heard him run into the room on his phone yelling at someone for something, a beer in his hand. I prepare myself for the same old routine but tonight it was going to change. Loving him was not enough to stop me from stopping him. I knew as soon as he got off that phone that I was going to get thrown somewhere and hit somehow. I acted like nothing was wrong and sat at the table waiting for him to get done. His calls ends with “I don’t give a crap what you do just don’t put my name on it” the reason for his outbursts, his job.

He throws his phone into the big mirror we have hanging above the fireplace and he causes them both to shatter. I feel myself tense up and I want to run but I stay and look like nothing has happen. He then comes over to me and kisses me. Which is normally how the night starts but this one feels different; it lasts longer and seems to have more meaning. Maybe tonight is different, maybe isn’t good enough. We sit and have a nice dinner with conversation and wine. After dinner he said that he wanted to celebrate the wonderful night in the bedroom. Then he picked me up and carried me into our room, where rose petals, candles and music were waiting. What I surprise, of course I was a little more intoxicates than I care to ever be, so he didn’t have to do much to get me to be ok with trusting him.

But I did, I trusted him enough for him to take off half of my clothes before he beat me. He snapped like a twig, no warning at all. I feel his loving touch change into him pushing me as if I were some kind of measure of strength or manhood, as if beating me will prove that he’s not a wimp. I yell but as always he expects it and covers my mouth, I bite his hand and wiggle away enough to make it out of the bedroom and lock the door so he can’t get out. He sounds like some kind of creature wanting to be released to attack his prey. I gather my stuff and run as far as I can which is why I ended up on the beach.  

At look at their faces that are now reacting to what I just said. Gabe gives me a look like I’m a puppy stuck in the rain, Rion is pacing back and forth and Liz has begun to cry. Gabe asks how long Todd has been hitting me. ”Three years”, I tell him. “And how long have you been seeing Warren?” “Two years” I say and try to stop my hands from shaking. I have no idea what’s going through their heads or why they haven’t said much of anything. Finally Rion speaks up and says that he wants to beat Todd tell he can’t see straight and Liz grabs me into a bear hug. Gabe is still in shock, I know that he’s on my side in the whole thing but he’s having trouble grasping how it all happened.

“Analyzing it isn’t going to help, I’ve tried that, it only makes things worse.” He finally shows me his face, there are tears running down his cheeks and his eyes are blood shot. I grab his arm but he just shakes his head and brushes off my hand.  Rion caters to him and tries to calm him down. Liz starts asking questions like “were there signs?” and “did it happen every night?” I answer her never ending questions enough for her to understand that I did what I did for a reason, and though it may not be right to cheat on someone she sees why I did it.

Rion now comes back in the room, minus Gabe, and tells me that Gabe had to go to work but he’ll talk to me later. I ask Rion if he seemed mad at me and Rion said that he was confused and trying to straighten things out. Then Rion lets me know that he understands and feels bad for not catching it sooner. Then all of us got into Liz’s car and went to the house that Todd and I share. To my surprise he wasn’t home so I gave Rion the keys and he and Liz went inside to get all my stuff. While they do that I grabbed the dog, Lucky and put her in the car, saving her from him like I saved myself. We cuddled in the car as she licked my face like she always did after the yelling stopped as if to tell me that she loves me and is sorry for what he’s doing. I then wrote a note, it read: Todd- I have moved all of my belongings out of the house. I have had enough of you abusing me, you may not remember doing it but you did. I have bruises and wounds all over and they are from the last 3 years of our relationship. Well I am done, I have stood up for myself and we are done. I am staying at a friend’s house, far away, do not come look for me. I’m safe so don’t worry, I highly doubt you care. I’m sorry but it had to be done I was in harm every night I was with you. Please understand and leave me alone.

Those are the words I wrote to him and left for him to see right on his bathroom mirror. I walked out crying and we all got in the car. I told them what I had done and they said it took courage. As we got on the highway to head back to the house, Rion’s phone rings, its Gabe, it tells Rion to drop me off at his work for lunch. So he does they drop me off and I met up with Gabe for lunch.  He greeted me with an unexpected hug. We sat down and he started the conversation with, “I’m so sorry I didn’t know and that I let it happen.” I told him that he has no reason to be sorry that he didn’t know. He couldn’t have known I didn’t tell him, or anyone.

But I did tell Warren the day we met, I told him everything. That’s our relationship barely physical and all emotional. We talk for hours and expect nothing from each other. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me I knew he wasn’t like him, at least I hoped. The first six months we hadn’t even kissed it was purely a talking relationship. We talked about life and love and everything in our lives. We talked about how he hit me and on nights were I didn’t want to go home I called him to come get me, Todd being too drunk to notice that I was gone. Six months of relief from him. The best six months of my life. Then a year came and we decided to make our relationship serious, but both agreed to not tell anyone. We got to the point where Todd hit me harder can I passed out. I needed to get away from it, from him, from everything.

Warren surprised me and bought us tickets to Paris. So I lied to Todd and told him that I had a business trip that called for me to go out of town for a month, I told him this over the phone while he was at work. To make sure he heard what I said and couldn’t hurt me for saying it. We flew to Paris that night and stayed for a week, a wonderful week. That’s when Warren told me he loved me for the first time, and the first time our relationship became physical, romantically, for that night. He knew that me letting a man touch me in any way was a big deal. Being the gentleman that he is he asked me every step of the way if I was ok with everything, every touch every kiss.

As if he were healing me making it all better, being that I hadn’t touched my own husband in that way for that past year or so. That’s the day it started, the day he held me for the first time, just held me and sometimes kissed me on the head. The nights were I’d call him he’d come and get me and then we’d go to his house, which is a loft apartment and go up to the roof. Then he plays his guitar and sings hand written lyrics about me. While the white lights strung around the roof light up the sky and making everything glow in that way that only candlelight can. Then he sings me a beautiful song and then we lay on the blanket he’s laid out and he holds me as we stare up at the moon. And he kisses my forehead and we talk. Talk for hours like always and I can hear his heartbeat through his chest, as he holds me.

And I’m brought back to reality when Gabe hugs me, tight, like he’s afraid that I’m going to get blown away but I cringe because he grabs the same place where the last bruises Todd gave me is. It’s still fresh enough to sting and I wiggle enough for him to notice and apologize. I feel bad because he didn’t know. I see his eyes start to water, causes mine to do the same and I tell him to stop and not to but he can’t help it so we both cry, but this time he holds me and says “Honey I’m so sorry that he was hurting you. I understand why you didn’t tell me but you still should have. I could have done something to help, anything, “I stop him and tell him that he couldn’t even if I did tell him it would have made things worse for me.

Then we cried and talked some more and then decided to go and get me a new phone. So we did. And to my surprise I had a message from Todd. Asking where I was and that he needed to see me. He was drunk I could tell. I didn’t call him back but I also had a message from Warren asking me if I had left Todd and if he still had to keep me a secret. So I called him back and told him to come pick me up from where I was so we could talk. I didn’t tell Gabe because I didn’t want him to freak out before I told Warren what was going on. So he came and got me and I couldn’t resist grabbing him and planting a long hard kiss on his lips which he returned at equal force. Then we went to our favorite spot, his roof. I told him what happen that night and how I got the text and threw my phone into the ocean and that’s why I could reply.

He understood and then he asked if I had told my friends about him and I told him yes I had and that they weren’t sure about it and that I wanted him to meet them but that was beside the point. Then I grabbed him and kissed him, I kissed him as if kissing him unlocked so door. He pushed me away still holding on and said “I’m not complaining but what is this bout? You’ve never been like this before, is something wrong?” Then I told him, “Nothings wrong I just love you and now we can finally be together forever, no Todd in our way, no secrets! I love you! With every fiber of my being! I want to tell the world that I love you! I lo-“I’m interrupted by his lips, pushing against mine with more force than any emotion or kiss or touch we’ve ever had. Then I felt his tears hit my face as we kissed and I started crying as well. Which caused him to feel bad and apologize and the only way to shut him up was to kiss him again.